Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.

   It's amazing how many pedestrians confuse "right of way" with "immortality".

   My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.

   I bet Snowmen think it's weird that the ground is completely covered in their skin.

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food and beer

   I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.

   Diet tip: If you think you're hungry, you might actually just be thirsty. So have a few beers first and then see how you feel.

   On cold mornings like this I just tell outrageous lies and hope my pants catch fire.

   Tired of forgetting people's names as soon as they introduce themselves? Fix it by staying home and never meeting anyone new.

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   Most people don't know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds

   My bicycle lets you know that I am economical and environmentally responsible. The streamers on the handlebars let you know that I party hard

   Protip: Chew on white crayons for cheap and easy fillings

   Myspace has invaded Facebook > Facebook Movie...

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, Dead

   Facebook movie. Well played NSA.

   Ken Ham: Purple Monkey Dishwasher.

   Making popcorn for these Facebook movies.

   Why was your bf wearing your bra?

   You'd think the only people on Earth who could teleport would be working for the military instead of State Farm.