Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue

   Can I borrow...Nope You got...Nope Can you let me...Nope Just practicing for 2022👌🤣

   How much ground would a groundhog hog if a groundhog could hog ground?

   My wife's doctor called and I had to take a message. He said her Pabst Beer came back negative. What the hell is he talking about?

   The processor in my smart phone is 120,000,000 times faster than the computer aboard Apollo 11. They went to the moon, I play Clash of Clans and watch videos of funny cats flushing toilets.

   Everyone over here doing the 10 year challenge while metaverse is doing the facial recognition challenge.

   Trump could have easily discovered the theory of relatively, on his own, if Einstein didn't do it first because Trump has the greatest scientific mind ever. He's better than Jesus Christ himself.

   I'm looking for 11,780 point for my sports team because I know in my heart they won.

   The world is just 1 Keith Richards death away from imploding

   You'd be surprised at how quick Home depot employees help you after ignoring you for 20 minutes when you try to start a chainsaw...

   Yeah, I like the seasons too. That's why I live in a place that skips the nasty ones.

   helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you!" I couldn't believe it... you do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return...

   When Donald Trump was the President, CNN asked for Trump's resignation on daily basis for mishandling of Coronavirus. Now 1 million daily cases, CNN is on the verge of giving Nobel peace award to Joe Biden & Kamala Harris.

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.

   YouTube video: "How to stop procrastinating." Me: [Add to Watch Later]

   Me: I'm not getting the Covid vaccine because I don't know what is in it. Also me: Ooooooo..... The McRib is back!

   Hello welcome to marriage anonymous." Hi, I'm Todd. It's been 12 years since my last decision. I had an independent thought yesterday that I almost said aloud but I called my sponsor and we talked through it & I stayed quiet!"

   I can hear those folks stuck on that snowed-in, 55 mile stretch of I-95 in northern Virginia: "But we love the seasons!"

   So...you've been eating hot dogs, chicken nuggets and other processed meats all your life, but you won't get the shot because you don't know what's in it????

   It's so ironic that they keep calling us sheep, yet they're the ones taking medicine from the petting zoo.