Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614

   Girls spend 20 minutes eating dinner and 40 figuring out who owes what.

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   It sucks when you wanna throw a brick at someone's face, but you can't, because you don't have a brick.

   Stop being retarded losers leave haha alone, I think hes funny!!

   D*ck Head is Back , Great time to take few days off till someone blocks him again.

   Shout out to the guy in drive thru who went against the man, and gave me THREE packets of Ketchup for my large fries.

   Just realized that with all this ice lately, technically I'm walking on water too, so take that Jesus!

   When God closes a door, I open a beer.

   It's that time of the night again where I pick one of you lucky ladies selfies to jerk off to before I cry myself to sleep..

   I can't believe I used to talk to people.

   My salvation can be found in vodka, and very good weed.

   Stop acknowledging the retard's presence. Ignore his existence.

   The retards back!

   No I don't look at ANY of my exs and ask myself "what was I thinking?" Or "was I drunk the whole time" I know exactly what I was thinking and doing.

   Guy, EVERYONE. Listen. I'm going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.

   Nestle to recall Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets because they may contain meat that was already recalled by the Department of Agraculture. Most surprisingly, however, is that Steak and Cheese Hot Pockets may actually contain meat.

   Olympic athletic bring stray puppies back from Sochi... like we dont have enough here in the US...

   The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.