Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   Hmmm,, How about slippers made out of Legos,, So that when you step on a Lego,, you just get taller.

   That kid looks ALOT like me.... Somebody should warn him.

   Damn dog follows me into the bathroom all the time, so I told her it freaks me out. She then turned around and walked out. Now I am a bit freaked out that she understands sentences.

   You shouldn't be buying lobster when you're on a tuna fish budget. 

   How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should already be open when she brings it.

   Obama to continue going it alone. Thats good, because I dont think anyone is following him anymore...

   Bing Bing Harro prease!

   "You won a math debate" .. say it fast and out loud.

   Jimmy Fallon will last on the tonight show less than a fart in a picnic basket

   It's ok Sweden, a silver is still better than what the Americans got.

   If a bitstrip cartoon defines your creativity level...we can't be friends.

   I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl's phone and saw that my number was saved as FREE FOOD.

   How do you beat a country that will change it's liquor laws to allow bars to open so people can gather and watch gold medal games??? YOU DON'T!!!

   Don't threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.

   Has anyone ever encountered a semi-stranger barefaced freeloader in their life?

   I thought Sochi was uncooked fish?

   go to translate.google.com - type "........" change language to Japanese, click listen... Enjoy!

   Those little Girl Scout devils got me again. It never fails...

   I've completely replaced sex with food. I had a mirror installed over my dining room table.