Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you beat a country that will change it's liquor laws to allow bars to open so people can gather and watch gold medal games??? YOU DON'T!!!

   Don't threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.

   Has anyone ever encountered a semi-stranger barefaced freeloader in their life?

   I thought Sochi was uncooked fish?

   go to translate.google.com - type "........" change language to Japanese, click listen... Enjoy!

   Those little Girl Scout devils got me again. It never fails...

   I've completely replaced sex with food. I had a mirror installed over my dining room table.

   Just saw the trailer for "Noah." I hear The Book is better.

   it's about time the majority of those people who opposed Marijuana have finally died. . .

   Jimmy Fallon's monologues are weaker than a mixed drink at a strip club.

   Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

   Patiently waiting for the Pro zac to kick in so I can start my day....Ok, Maybe NOT patiently!!!

   Calling Justin Bieber gay is an insult to Freddie Mercury.

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but grown men always want to play with them.

   How much does Morgan Freeman charge to narrate a sex tape?

   Yes I am that one ex she doesn't want the world to know she ever dated.

   If you don't like what I am playing.. I can play mmm Bop !

   Everyday I'm shoveling. - Winter 2014

   If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad "iPhone 5S for $1 only"

   I am convinced that Kellogg's works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......