Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The weekend is the reason I work Monday-Friday.

   If the temperature is 94°, yet it feels like 106°, then as far as I'm concerned, it's 106°...which explains my breaking all speed records in getting this ice cream home before it melts.

   Johnny Manziel joins Cleveland Browns... is sacked three times trying to get off the stage....

   So Boko Haram is partying, while the idîots are droning innoceñts elsewhere

   having sex with your ex is not cheating.....it is just a retirement benefits scheme

   Chocolate, candy and flowers def got her in the mood until she asked me where I got the pretty roses from.. I guess the Cemetery after work was not a good answer \ :O /

   Browns fans haven't been this pumped since one second before Elway started The Drive.

   I hate it when people think I don't like them... I guess I need to do a better job of hiding the fact that I hate them.

   My bucket list, is just me wanting to sit on a throne,, and slow clap sarcastically after somebody's speech.

   I confuse metaphors like its my business

   .... Boko Haram is the reason drones were invented.

   I have always been suspicious of Wendy's hamburgers because they are square,,,, much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

   Women need a tattoo that somehow signals their menstrual cycle............ * A Cramp Stamp

   Ladies, if you're gonna catfish a dude, at least give him some head.

   The music biz status is a quote by Hunter S. Thompson, and of course here at 'tard central it gets panned.

   I always bring a condom with me on a night out. Unfortunately, it's always the same one.

   What do black guys have that's longer than most white men's and gets even bigger when they touch a woman? Their criminal record.

   Okay Instagram... You deactivated Rihanna's account? I want my money back.

   Every computer is a laptop if you're not a little b*tch about it.

   the L in salmon is ruining my life