Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried being myself once... I got arrested.

   Relationship status: still making mix tapes.

   You had me at "there's no security cameras."

   I dreamt I had a sh*tty life. I woke up and I have sh*tty life. So dreams do come true, kids.

   Never make a decision when you are angry and never promise when you are fornicating.

   Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute and everybody loses their sh*t!

   Girls get away with wearing guys crap but wear one hair scrunchy and now the daughter says I can't pick her up from school anymore

   I always say "you do the math" because I can't do the math.

   Batman and Robin were the pioneers of the yoga pants!

   I got 99 problems but a restraining order ain't one because I found a loophole in one of the documents. Good Afternoon Carly.

   No, I don't want extra butter on my popcorn. I'm a boring idiot that hates happiness.

   They're all cop cars when you're this high.

   Dad please dont mess my hair up and say 'love ya' in public, I'm in a gang now

   Whîte people. Please stop saying "like a boss" and "what up dog". That shî† went out with the Clinton administration.

   I want to be the reason that you can never look at mayonnaise the same way ever again.

   Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I'd see it in the wild.

   I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to 'laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series' as a "marathon"…

   The first date went so well I might even remove the duct tape for the second date.

   My business card is a picture of me looking inside the fridge.

   And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.