Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

   There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right

   I'm posing nude for an art class. No one asked me to. I think they're making ceramic bowls.

   I got 99 problems and a bitch of a sister is one.

   Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

   If you love something... set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies, though.

   Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.

   ou can't make me believe there's a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.

   I'd punch Jay-z too. His face is stupid.

   I just lost all my phone contacts so please don't send me yours!

   If I hear this HAPPY song one more time...

   Sometimes “Girl's night out” means she has just taken her bra off

   White girls with weaves... No. Bad white girl.

   A violent outburst like that can only mean one thing...Jay-Z pushed all the floor buttons at one time.

   ..... So the first picture of Ben Affleck as Batman was released today!!! Question: When is Hollywood going to realize that they are never going to be able to replace the greatest Batman of all time ..... Adam West?

   If you are offended by the opinions I express then you can only imagine the ones I keep to myself.

   The Cubs are so bad that the last time they won a World Series, the team photo was an oil painting.

   I hate when I get to work and I'm at work.

   Lacrosse...when it comes to sports, you are one big h0m0. I meant that in a nice way.