Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

   I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

   *throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic* Wife: Hun, I don’t think flipping the bird means what you think it means.

   This ashes to ashes dust to dust thing is why I always carry around a can of Lemon Fresh Pledge with me.

   Pfizer Claims Its Covid Vaccine Effective Against Nuclear Reaction Too.

   With a little luck, the entire 2022 Major League Baseball season will be canceled.

   I don't care how obese Trump is, I want his mushroom deep inside me.

   Are yall gonna watch Biden and the state of delusion address

   can't believe I'm finally done.. wait I'm kidding!

   I grilled a chicken for two hours, but I couldn't get it to sing.

   I miss the days when people’s biggest concern was Marilyn Manson.

   I really don't understand some people. They tell everyone to think for themselves and have your own freedom, yet they like bring told what to do by a fat, orange man. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

   It really sucks being in your late 30's early 40's. Last month I just coughed the wrong way, and my back went out for a week.

   Every other countries policy: you don't work, you don't eat! USA policy: you work, you don't eat!

   Happy birthday to Kmart. And as always, thank you for the awesome suits.

   Number one Pick Up Line for 2022: “I have a full tank of gas.”

   Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.

   I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.

   The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

   She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.