Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm the life of the party after I pass out.

   A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

   Me: Siri, explain women. Siri: sorryyy I'm hdgjbj malfunctioning jdji?!!%&%$###?! *EXPLODES*

   Brush your teeth before you complain.

   My worst fear is meeting my match.

   I just found out c.ock fighting is done with roosters and now it feels like this 6 months of training has been wasted.

   It's not fair how easy it is for kid to make kool aid these days.

   Ok I put a staple in my finger today. Don't do that. Its not give birth pain but its like shooting heroin without the tingle.

   I was going to stop drinking but hydration is super important. I'm doing this format wrong, aren't I?

   Thinking of starting a male version of the Red Hat Society. Come be a Purple Helmet with me, guys!

   Just spilled an entire beer in the shower. -viewing today from 6 to 8.

   On my tombstone please write: more people not appreciating my puns and updates when I was alive was a grave mistake.

   I have a masters at saying dumb things to beautiful women.

   If I wind up looking anything like Peter Pan with a hammer, I'd run like the bloody wind.

   My life coach threw a chair at me.

   It's cute how kids think band aids automatically take away all the pain and make everything better. That's alcohols job you little turds.

   Casey Kasem found safe today in Washington state. Overheard nearby: "And we would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you darn kids."

   If you are being attacked by a bunch of clowns the first thing to do is go for the juggler.

   Micheal Sam is good enough at publicly wanting privacy he could be a Kardashian!

   If Nancy Pelosi gets one more facelift , she's going to have to start brushing her teeth with Vagasil .