Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you have to dream in the middle of a nightmare.

   The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk.

   -Do you take drugs? -No. -Ever tried them? -Never. -You seem very nervous. -I'm just not used to being questioned by a unicorn.

   Sorry I grabbed your crotch while looking for my moral compass.

   I'm not saying I hate you but if I could go back in time I'd buy you a ticket on the missing Malaysian plane.

   Reverse cowgirl, so you don't have to see her disappointment.

   Side boob is only hot on women, bro.

   Sex so good you get her name right.

   I'm pretty sure the New Jersey state bird is just a middle finger.

   Mike Tyson , Miguel Olivo .....if the zombies do come, it looks like they're starting as athletes 1st

   Not listening to a single word you've said makes it impossible for you to run out of things to say to me.

   A man in Phoenix accidentally shot himself in the leg while in line at Walmart on Saturday. Or, as they call that in Arizona, “taking a selfie.”

   The Billboard Music awards was the other night and there was an amazing hologram of Michael Jackson. He performed a new song called "Slave to the Rhythm." It was so realistic, Tito actually asked it for money.

   unnecessary kindness is your first clue to picking out an "up to no good".

   "We do pretty well around here considering that people are basically good." -Satan talking to Lucifer

   Sometimes . . . When you cry, no one sees your tears. Sometimes . . . When you are in pain, no one sees your hurt. Sometimes . . . When you are worried, no one sees your stress. Sometimes . . . When you are happy, no one sees your smile. But just fart one

   I'm eating at subway today, I'm trying to figure out how Jared did it. He said he just eat fresh... It's not even on the menu!

   Obama on - VA scandal: DIDN'T KNOW Benghazi security: DIDN'T KNOW Fast and Furious: DIDN'T KNOW Lose your doctor: DIDN'T KNOW Bin Laden hit: MASTERMIND

   You should always listen when a woman speaks - unless she's crazy, then pay close attention.

   If you suffer from Feelings and Sh*t, Alcohol might be right for you....Don't ask your doctor, Just do it.