Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Ciabatta is just Italian for stale.

   You have to admit it. Every once in a while you say "Open Sesame" while walking up to an automatic door.

   Please just put it in the fridge.... We'll throw it away next week.

   Well, well, well...look who's come crawling back,,, asking me to repair the tire on their wheelchair.

   there, Ebay password changed........Forgot it already!

   You think she's hot?you should of seen the one that got away.

   Kim and Kanye did something today, not sure what, but it was all ove rthe news.

   This week is the 40th anniversary of the Rubik's Cube. If you kids don't know what a Rubik's Cube is, it's what people would stare at without human interaction before cellphones.

   It wasn't weird until you expected me to act normal.

   Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith are under investigation by CPS, Sounds like someones about to go live with their auntie and uncle in Bel Air..

   The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the stong, but that's the way to bet.

   The really cool thing about being a husband is having your mistakes constantly pointed out.

   My girlfriend would be so mad if he found out that I'm telling people she's my girlfriend.

   According to my current parking spot, I'm Chief of Police.

   I just realized the one single thing that would preclude me from becoming a biker. I bathe.

   I bet global warming is caused by all the baby boomer women hitting menopause.

   How to tell if someone is lying to you on social media??.... Their thumbs are moving

   The worst thing about parallel parking are witnesses.

   I used to talk the talk and walk the walk until I met you; and now, I'm howling with the wolves like you.

   The stupid doctor keeps insisting that I suffer from Adult ADD ... What an idiot!! ... Heck, as far as I'm concerned SQUIRREL!!!!