Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer. This means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon. Not Bad.

   So last night the spurs beat the heat. Oh and they beat Miami too

   The thing I love about my ex is she didn't take up much space in the trunk.

   I've been waking up with a headache for years Unfortunately I'm married to it.

   This empty wallet looks like I'll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy's awful jokes in a bar tonight.

   Officer: can I see your driver's licence please madam? Me: I have a driver's licence?

   Know what's sexy? Not waking me up.

   On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" thenmake sure to leave a note to be opened after youdie that says "pray harder next time."

   I hate the fact I can't slam the door on my cubicle.

   I'm time zone intolerant...

   Irony: The Vatican owns enough treasures that could end world poverty. Twice.

   Too bad NY was wasted on New Yorkers

   So, the AC went out in game 1 of the NBA Finals. Spurs won. I guess The Heat couldn't take the heat.

   Canadian bacon is just bacon with good healthcare and a strong sense of national pride.

   What if firemen acted like policemen and just drove around shooting water at anyone who looked like they might catch on fire?

   Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But keep your bacon far away from me or I will eat it. This is your last warning.

   I woke up and I couldn't walk at 1st so I thought I had really bad cramps but then I realized I was just Lebroning!

   I'm wondering what we can trade Obama for ???

   My safe word is "more".

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.