Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty sure the cause of all divorces can be traced back to marriage.

   My relationship status went from being "single" to "still single"

   My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"

   I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED

   I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

   FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.

   "Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

   Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

   Looks like Eric Cantor was defeated by some Brat.

   Just in time for the Summer, UKIP is set to launch a new range of tents. They're like normal tents but without any poles...

   BBC News: "A body has been found in a fridge freezer with all body parts separated. The police are treating this case as suspicious."

   Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work

   Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.

   "It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.

   "How much for the rosary?" "Sir, those are an@l beads."

   It's been so long since I've gone to church, I couldn't even tell you what year God wrote the bible.

   You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. I don't have to agree with you to like you. I like good sensible people and if you are good people with common sense, I like you!

   You're like the abacus of people. No one counts on you anymore.

   Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.

   The first thing I do in a relationship is panic.