Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I time travel every day, from yesterday to today. . .

   Being white is a gift and a curse. No one suspects me of shoplifting but everyone expects me to know a good casserole recipe.

   Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

   Let's be honest, we all know someone on Facebook we wanna bang...with a 2x4.

   I like people... From a distance.

   A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.

   Ladies if you want me, I'll be in the Friend zone driving under the speed limit as usual.

   Try as you might, ladies, giraffes will always have the deep throat category on lock.

   I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.

   Being all talk and no action sounds relaxing.

   ‪#‎bringbackourboys‬ Lets make peace not war. Lets love and not hate. We are all the same. We all have the same inspirations in life. Let's do good for each other and stop the hatred.

   My car doesn't have a passenger airbag but don't worry, if we get in an accident all the McDonalds napkins in the glove box will cushion you

   The NBA Finals was a circus for LeBron, except a circus has three rings.

   All the sin around today just means more girls for me in Heaven!!

   Breaking news: a massive earthquake measuring 8.8 on the Richter scale was just reported in south florida Don't be alarmed- it was just all of the heat bandwagon fans jumping off at the same time

   Do you think after the World Cup they all have orange slices and drink capri suns after the game and then their moms pick them up in their minivans? ‪#‎SoccerSucks‬

   MONDAYS ARE LIKE THAT UNCLE THAT USED TO HOLD YOU DOWN AND FART IN YOUR FACE...he was laughing but we never were...

   How to walk UP the down escalator:... Step 1:... Step 1:.... Step 1:... Step 1:...Step 1:...

   Taco Bell is selling breakfast now?.. Cool, I guess I can move into the men's restroom... If you need me, I'll be in my new office.

   Woman failed the battle of the sexes when you started to do pole dancing and class it as exercise