Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always take life with a grain of salt, …plus a slice of lemon, …and a shot of tequila.

   Guys nowadays are so whiny,"these handcuffs are too tight" "there's not enough air in this trunk" "why are you branding your name on my ass"

   Don't half ass it. It's not a real nap unless you take your pants off.

   There is a guy here at work who calls me "Chief." There's another a guy here who calls me "Partner." They must think I'm a double-agent in some secret Cowboys and Indians war.

   This time can Ben Affleck stay behind instead so we can find a suitable Batman?

   A fool always rushes to the front row.

   Now if we can land Kim Kardashian, on a comet

   I don't understand prescription medication commercials because if I have to tell the doctor what medications I need then a new doctor.

   None of this would've happened if Michael Brown was white because he would have been home studying...

   Eggnog!.. The only b*tch I'm excited to hear back from after 9 months of absence."

   Most of my verbal communication is just burps and grunts.

   How do they even grow a boneless chicken?

   "so that's what Kim Kardashian's ass looks like" said no one ever.

   Woke up naked and looking so sexy my shower got turned on.

   I don't know about breaking the Internet but Kim's azz will probably break anything it sits on.

   I'm ok with how you work it. Moderate diggity, reasonable doubt.

   A man in Florida has been sentenced to six months in prison for stockpiling weapons at a compound just 11 miles from Disney World. Eleven miles from Disney World? So . . . in the parking lot?

   We should've let the guy who named oranges keep naming other stuff.

   It really does show how far we've come when you no longer need to wear a scarf to fly a plane.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.