Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do work and blame anyone but myself.

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it

   NASA found methane on Mars! Proving once again that no matter how ancient a civilization is, it's farts that truly endure.

   I wonder what gets changed less frequently...the diaper of a crackhead's baby or the filter cartridge in my Brita.

   My parent's kitchen was designed with 11 light switches, all of which turn on the garbage disposal if you're trying to be quiet

   What does JK Rowling text her friends to let them know that she was just kidding?

   I've survived enough awkward high-fives to know they're not worth the risk

   I've probably spent a solid year of my life just staring into the refrigerator

   you deserve more than a guy who wears t-shirts with "witty" sayings that he bought from jcpenney.

   who needs people when you got pizza

   If God wanted us to save money for retirement he wouldn't have invented online shopping

   Anyone know if there is an Angie's List or Better Business Bureau or someplace to file a complaint on a Hooker?.... (Asking for a Friend)...

   going to opt for GPS on our next dryer. Should help locate those missing socks.

   Deleting my Facebook soon" = "Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important"

   Oh my bad, I thought this was a site where things were suppose to be funny and NOT express your religious beliefs.

   I don't like your gluten-free attitude

   Cuddling is all fun and games until somebody pitches a tent..

   It's depressing how many people don't realize that a terrorist group is a group of people and not an entire nationality.