Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: My butt fell asleep sitting on the toilet. Wife: Yeah, I know. I heard it snoring.

   Seriously Ladies, stop it with the surveys to see what kind of baby animal, book character, southern belle, princess warrior, superhero or dog you are. Just be a fk’n normal human!!

   She lost me at, "that's cray cray!"

   Somebody stop the planet, I want to get off!

   Unless you from another country... if you ask me for my "KIK" rather than my phone number - I'm going to assume you are a serial killer.

   If you don't believe in oral sex....then keep your mouth shut!

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…

   I realized Freedom of speech has an expiration date... -Not valid when your in a position of influence, not valid when its being use as a weapon, and definitely not valid when I've got to listen to my wife!

   They Always Say...Stand & March For What You Believe In... I Do!!! Everytime I Believe I will Have another Beer, I Stand and March To The Fridge!

   Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be "Beaten to death with a selfie stick"

   Play Trivia Crack they said. It'll be fun they said... phukerz.

   4 out of 5 voices in my head say go back to sleep

   Everthing will be ok in the end. If it's not ok, then it's not the end

   That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.

   In an effort to show our support to the French, we English have held a shoulder-to-shoulder rally at Trafalgar Square. It's nice to see good old-fashioned English humour isn't dead.

   I would like to learn one of those clicking languages from Africa because I get the feeling my knees are trying to tell me something.

   People with the loudest car audio systems usually have the worst taste in music.

   Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.

   You know how much delusion we live in this world when you see Binyamin Netanyahu shoulder to shoulder with world leaders in a march for "freedom and tolerance"

   I can't tell you how disappointed I was to find out the movie Selma wasn't about Selma Hayek.