Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Faking my own death and starting over with a new identity to reset my targeted ads algorithm.

   I loved being in my 20’s. A whole decade of being in my physical prime and mental rock bottom, what a dynamic.

   Male bees die right after mating. So, their whole life is… Honey, Nut, Cheerio.

   If Batman was real, he’d be the world’s least weird billionaire.

   No one deserves people chanting outside their home. No one

   You’re not bipolar, you’re just two stupid bi!ches in one.

   I think my neighbor must have hit her toe with a hammer, she’s screaming like that at 2:00am. Lol

   I love you, but I’ve chosen Rock & Roll.

   Today is the day, I can feel it. I will catch my tail. ~ Dog

   I’m lost, better turn down the radio so I can see better.

   You should donate blood, all of it.

   Quit looking for a reason to hate me, I’m cool as f.

   If the weekend goes as planned, it will not include any actual plans.

   Girls can’t find their hair ties but can remember what you said 7 months ago at 6:40pm.

   There is a voice that doesn’t use words, listen.

   Balloons are sort of nasty when you think about it: "Happy Birthday. Here's a rubber bag of my breath."

   Trump 2023 because it isn't possible either. LOL

   Did you notice that gender reveal parties disappeared? Now we wait and let the kindergarten teachers decide.

   The mystery of the exotic truck nuts.

   When she’s telling you all about her problems. Sounds like you need some D.