Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Alcohol and denial are cheaper than therapy. . .

   I hope snow storm Jonas doesn't bring his other 2 brothers

   A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it hit the bottom of his throat. Ever think about that? No, you only think about yourself.

   People always get so excited about the next generation iPhone but no one has caught up with the awesome technology that's called a Turn Signal.

   Please watch for black the black ice #blackicematters

   It is so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch.

   Its so cold outside that by the time I walked back to the car, the footlong I got at Subway shrunk to a 6 inch..

   Will Bernie Sanders still be alive at election time? Will Hillary get more Navy Seals killed and ignore the facts? Times up in 10 months Obama!!

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   Olympics to Allow Pre-Op M-to-F Transsexuals to Compete..... So there will now be drag races in the Olympics?

   I buy all my snowstorm supplies at the liquor store

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   To convert Celsius to Fahrenheit,, you double the number in Celsius and add thirty.. To convert someone to Mormonism,, you double the wives and add 10 kids.

   Just once I wanna see someone climbing Mt Everest with a cigarette hanging out of their mouth.

   Oh so you are tired of someone asking for their money back that you borrowed from them? How annoying of them. Here is a thought....PAY THEM BACK! They won't ask anymore.

   Just once I would like to read a warning label that says "May cause permanent weight loss, remove wrinkles, and increase energy."

   Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too

   "For birthdays, someone will blow air and spit on candles and a cake. Then—hear me out—people will eat it." -- the guy that invented birthday parties

   Sometimes it looks like I’m flashing gang signs, but really I’m just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.

   I miss the days when I was smarter than my parents.