Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am not going bald on the crown of my head, it's an alien crop circle.

   I finally received my W2 from Facebook

   High School is like a free trial of education and when you're done it says "If you want to continue pay $50,000."

   Why do so many Americans hate people from the middle east, yet build churches to worship someone from the middle east? How stupid is that.

   What exactly do you need to eat to achieve "wall splatter" in a public restroom?....* People amaze me.

   How to laundry like me... 1)Throw all clothes in washer & turn on... 2)Forget about for 7 days... 3)Smells mildew... 4)Repeat steps 1-3... 5)Buy new clothes

   Me: *places anti-diarrheal medication on checkout counter... Cashier: "Would you like a bag?"... Me: "No, I'll just go at home."

   I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards

   Now I'm not Mexicana but I think that new song "no me gusta" is Spanish for "That's not my Goose"

   This girl tweeted at me to DM her. What a weirdo, how am I supposed to Dungeon Master her?

   Nice try airport, you checked my bag and pockets for weed but you forgot to check my system. Hahahaha

   I too will be boycotting the Oscars. .. Oh, also I wasn't invited

   I wash my hands BEFORE I pee because my hands are dirty not my wiener

   Don’t be afraid to be open-minded. Your brain isn’t going to fall out.

   Tuesday is Groundhog Day, I'm very excited. I get up early on Groundhog Day...... I stuff the groundhog and I put it in the crock pot on low, and by the time I get home from work it's ready to go.

   If I become President, I'm going to change the name of the Rocky Mountains to the Smokey Mountains since weed is legal over there.

   Question, Is it still considered "drinking alone" if you're on Facebook?

   It's bad enough when the little voices in my head talk to me. But now they are texting.

   Sex is the only activity where hiring a professional is considered wrong and is often illegal.

   it too late for the Dowager Countess of Grantham to run for President??