Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Leonardo Da Vinci shows the finished portrait to her.... Mona Lisa: Eww,, DELETE IT!

   I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   Did you guys hear about the new restaurant that's opened on the moon? Apparently the food is great but there's no atmosphere......

   Once you go black you never go back. Well once you go white you get your credit score right...!!!

   Boss: Can you pass a urine test?... Me: Sure...distance or accuracy?

   I know enough Spanish to make myself hungry

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   Word of the Day: Ammosexual - A Liberal who believes in the Second Amendment

   "I'm so sorry"... "No, I'm really sorry"... "No, I'm even sorrier than you" ... "No, I'm the sorriest ever!"... *mutual hug* ......*Canadian rap battle

   I walked a mile in my own shoes today..... Wouldn't recommend it..... Cuz I'm WAY out of shape

   I'm almost perfect when I heavily edit my selfies.

   I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.

   If you're cooler than me, does that make me hotter than you?

   You couldn't handle me, even if I came with instructions.

   I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker color.

   I have to be successful because I have very expensive taste.

   Sometimes I prefer to use my face for emoticons.

   When I'm down to my last bit of weed, I like to take my time and savor the thought of who will be my first stabbing victim.

   A midget fortuneteller broke out of the county jail. Police report there is a small medium at large.

   My son got a Student of the Month award today. It wasn't his, but still...