Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..” You mean like NOW?

   Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws, laying asphalt, or driving semi trucks and not laughing, swimming and dancing?

   If you have ever sat on the toilet at work and wondered how long you can sit there before someone searches for you, the answer is 47 minutes.

   Her: go deeper. Him: cereal is breakfast soup. Her: please don’t stop.

   Death Row Guard: What would you like for your last meal? Condemned Woman: I don’t know, what do you want?

   Are you free tomorrow? Her: No, I’m expensive.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   Am I a good mother, Susan. Susan: My name is Amy.

   A dog is able to learn up to 250 words and gestures and count up to 5, equivalent to a human age: 3. A cat doesn’t give a dam, and is sick of your crap, equivalent to a human age: 42.

   Never trust a girl named Natasha. Because, Natasha spelled backwards is “ah Satan.”

   China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.

   When you send a risky text and see (….) for ten minutes.

   Site owner STILL Sucks the Big One !

   Reminder: BBC on television and BBC on the Internet are two different things.

   A lot of people like BBQ ribs, but I make it look like an episode of the Walking Dead.

   I was born a male and I identify as a male, but according to Stouffers portions, I'm a family of four.

   There’s no water in hell, only a bunch of sick jokes about pee-pees.

   I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

   If your hands don’t look like you just delivered a baby after eating ribs, you just didn't eat them right.

   We should have staff meetings in the garden. The plants would love the fertilizer- Joe's Chief of Staff.