Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   41 shot in NYC this past weekend, 77 in Chicago, 24 in Atlanta. But it's ok... no need for the media to report it. But here were no police officers involved.

   If I throw a bouncy ball, will you run away?

   I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in face, but with words.

   The trash gets picked up tomorrow, be ready.

   You must’ve been born on the highway, that’s where a lot of accidents happen.

   I would call you an idiot, but that would be insulting to idiots.

   Don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it REALLY works.

   There’s someone for everyone, and the person for you is a psychiatrist.

   Nothing brightens up a room like your absence.

   Man rule: Plastic water bottles must be crushed prior to disposing.

   It's official...my childhood punishments are now my adult goals! Going to bed early, forced to stay inside, naps, and eating healthy!

   I wish I could steal corny one liners and click "Iike" on my own posts as an act of hollow accomplishment.

   I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

   Godzilla was the first house flipper.

   Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad

   Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

   Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

   I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

   I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

   The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.