Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   came home the other night, my wife was standing there in the bedroom. She walked over & said "Take off my shirt" I did. She said "take off my bra" I did. Then she leaned over & said in my ear "Please stop wearing my clothes

   When I'm on my death bed I want my last words to be .... " I left one million dollars in the"................

   Its so damn hot today that I just saw a group of Amish women wearing daisy duke shorts!

   Its so hot, I just saw a bum with a sign that said "Will work for shade

   Why is it that in womens feminine product commercials they're always laughing and dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning sh** down?

   It was so hot in our apartment last night, to cool off I slept on my air hockey table."

   No matter how old I am, when I am eating a bag of Bugles, I will never be mature enough to not put them on my fingertips and make claws.

   Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

   I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.

   When you put 30 dollars in the tank and the gas light is still on.

   Sometimes I make posts set to “only me.” That stuff is between me and the Feds.

   The guy ahead of me bought 20 dollars worth on pump 3. Where was he going, to pump 4?

   Don’t be sad that your flight has a 7 hour delay, be grateful for your 30 dollar 2 inch sub sandwich.

   Welsh woman used to curse people by falling to their knees, pulling out their boobs, and screaming obscenities at their victim. It’s sad how we let some traditions die.

   It’s called “gross pay” because it’s disgusting to see how much money you would have made before taxes.

   You think you’ve got it rough? Imagine being a trapeze artist with diarrhea.

   The fact that people were hoarding toilet paper proves one thing. Humanity is full of crap.

   Never hint to a printer that you’re in a rush, they can smell fear.

   The furniture in Kung Fu Movies breaks so easily because it’s made in China.

   Sometimes I call the number listed on missing dog posters and just bark