Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone

   Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windshield

   actually don’t have any problems, I only go therapy to brag

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think I'll call my bank and find out..🙂

   My wife wants the living room walls to be something neutral...I'm painting Switzerland

   The squirrels must be gathering nuts. Four of my neighbors have disappeared.

   New research shows that the average adult forgets three things each day. The most common are Internet passwords, charging cell phones, and . . . something else, I forget.

   Will one of you go with me to my therapist tomorrow? He thinks I'm making you up.

   Yesterday, Mike heated up his leftover fish in the break room. Today, Mike is missing. Don't be like Mike.

   Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says "Is this whiskey?" Elmer says "Yeth, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

   If you go parachuting and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall; I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.

   I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every Culture; is the story of Popeye.

   If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So, sue me."

   I'd rather be rich than stupid.

   I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

   I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

   If dogs ever take over the world and they chose a king, I hope they don't just go by size; because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.

   You know, spooning leads to forking, right?

   Maybe in order to understand mankind, we must look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words, "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

   When the food is so good you accidentally overeat to the point that you’re afraid you might die.