Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I thought I was wrong once, but I was mistaken.

   If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button.

   If you’re going to do something that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

   When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

   A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he’s finished.

   Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

   Here’s to our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet!

   Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.

   Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

   “Be yourself” is about the worst advice you can give some people.

   If cats could text you back they wouldn't.

   I had a peanut butter sandwich on white bread with no jelly and nothing to drink. Long story short: I'm at the ER getting treated for Lockjaw.

   My girlfriend thinks I am incapable of being Faithful... My wife on the other hand, has a sister I wouldn't mind, if ya know what I mean

   I like my women like I like my peanut butter... chunky.

   I'm endorsing Kermit the Frog for the Green Party candidate. It's about time we had a puppet regime.

   Did some cleaning early this morning...went out and ran the vacuum over the driveway just to ensure my neighbors never talk to me....

   First it was AlDS that affected mostly fagz, now Monkeypox is doing the same at 96%. Hello? Degenerates? Got the memo?

   The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

   Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

   Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.