Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am funny in the dark

   We're out shopping for new dishwashers because my wife says ours is broken. I'm still not sure why we're here and not at the hospital though.

   I want to steal a donut truck and go on a high-speed chase, because it would be funny watching cops chase a donut truck on the news.

   Marriage tip: When you go to borrow your husband's tools, don't put them back. You don't know where they belong. Have your husband take care of it. That way he can show some responsibility and make sure that his things are where he wants them to be.

   My wife asked what my plan was. I said, “Let’s not ruin this with details.”

   My therapist said I should get an emotional support animal. So I got myself a chicken. It was deep fried and came with a milkshake.

   My friend Tony says he does not want me saying his name backwards. I said why Not?

   I'll simply never understand how farmers used to set their roosters forward 1 hour.

   Accidentally called Alexa "Siri"... And now the thermostat is set to 90 and I can't unlock my doors or Windows.

   I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with $1 and come home with three bags of chips, two candy bars and a cold drink. Now, they have cameras everywhere.

   Marriage tip: Randomly ask your husband, "Do you notice something different about me?" This will keep him hyper-vigilante as he is forced to think about you, and he doesn't have time to look at other women.

   Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor. Banks what is your problem?

   Gary’s sense of humor is so dry it could dehydrate a cactus.

   Scientists are studying gary2.0s humor to determine how a joke can miss the target by that much.

   And scientists are also studying me to figure out how I am so handsome.

   Amazon's customer service strategy is simple. Here's your refund. Leave us alone!

   Apparently, I can't nickname my coworker 007 for having 0 skill, 0 motivation, and taking at least seven breaks a day. If you need me, I'll be in HR.

   Wife: the dishwasher is broke. It's time to get a new one. Me: There's nothing wrong here. You look fine to me.