Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you cant do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here

   I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?

   I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   if people around you are being negative, be extra positive & cancel them out

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.

   I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.

   You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"