Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The last thing I want to do in insult you... BUT it is on the LIST..

   I love Kit-Kat...unless I'm with four or more people.

   I'm taking this Cookie little Kid.. And Don't Use that Swiper no Swipping Sh*t on me because that Don't work in the Real World.Grow up!"

   If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it

   all that, a bag of chips, *and* salsa. *AND* queso.

   Just because I'm not answering, doesn't mean I'm not listening.

   not a PC and your commercials are getting on my nerves.

   As I sit I wonder is it illegal to park in a handicapped bathroom stahl?

   thinks that if plungers could talk, you wouldn't own one.

   drunker then a two dollar hooker on topless tuesday.."

   no Proctologist, but I know an a$$hole when I see one.

   ugh! I just found hundreds of worker ants in my porch and it looks like they are forming some sort of unemployment line.

   so you press the button to hail the elevator, when it doesn't come we press the button again. does a second press hail the elevator faster, if not, why do we do it

   some girl told me straight up that she had a boyfriend.. I said well I have a Goldfish! she said what? Oh, I thought we were talking about sh*t that didn't matter."

   We're all just nudists in disguise...

   It is a universal truth that everything you do is at least 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake anyone up.

   friend request you on facebook?? woah, slow down we just met. tell me about yourself...oh, you're in the mafia AND you're a farmer? check please.

   Sorry dude. My girlfriend and I had a meeting and we've decided I don't want to hang out with you anymore.

   If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'