Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know its time to cut your finger nails, when your scrathing your balls and they start bleeding.

   Don't push me! I will be forced to engage in a combat sequence, that should only end with your demise.

   if court experience is a must for Obama's Supreme Court selection... I say go with Charlie Sheen

   Life is a b*tch, but she's totally "do-able!"

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   it just me or is it that flying and crawling insects enjoy getting sprayed on with can aerosol insecticides and watch you get frustrated while they pretend to die.....

   I'll tear down the stars and I'll give them to you. They're not as pretty as your eyes, but I guess they'll have to do.

   always wondered why people with no teeth often buy the most expensive toothpaste.

   Roethlisberger has been suspended, which means that the NFL has a stricter policy on sex abuse than the Vatican

   watched JAWS backwards last night - it is a good movie about a SHARK that puts a boat back together (with it's mouth) and puts people on the boat, and then throws-up people until they open the beach!!!

   Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence... now go away...

   I was once challenged my own reflection to a staring contest. On the fourth day I won!

   always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.

   I stopped drinking, but only when I sleep.

   Super-genius Stephen Hawking has warned we may NOT wanna be sending out signals to contact aliens as they may not be so kindly towards us. It makes me wonder...does world government already KNOW about aliens and the reason we have a huge overabundance of

   I've got all the money I'll ever need....... as long as I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

   Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

   just found a frosty spilled all over the Wendy's bathroom floor. That must be why the guy came out sweating red in the face. I'd be mad too if I dropped my frosty!

   I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

   I'm not a fan of drama but I know a lot of people running for club president.