Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you dial somebody on a Google phone, is there an "I'm Feeling Lucky" button? That would be great for single people.

   i was having lunch with a chess champion the other day.I knew he was a champion coz it took him 20 mins to just pass the salt.

   Do you remember the day we travelled in a car? I put my dog out of the window, you put ur face out, then people started shouting 'TWINS TWINS'

   Consequences of American life style: The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.

   On FB I took "How Many Sexual Partners You Have in 2009/2010" quiz. Result:"None, because your lame a*s spends too much time taking douchey a*s surveys on Facebook when you should probably be at the bar looking for women who leave their drinks unattended

   What is it with Facebook games like Mafia and Farmville. I guess people need to balance their murder and violence with beets and little lost sheep.

   It's better to have loved and lost.........than to have stayed with the witch.

   Sometimes its ok to lie, these are referred to as little white lies. Or at least its better than telling ur girl about that one night you went to the strip club and.....

   sometimes I want to go outside n scream n come back inside like nothing happen

   Instead of saying that someone is retarded or stupid, I am going to try and take the more sensitive path, and ask them if they were made in China.

   Vodka..helping ugly girls get laid since since the 1700's

   Funniest thing I heard at lunch break today. The guy beside me says "Huh" I asked "What's up?" Pointing to the lid of his sugar-free apple sauce he says, "Sweetend with Splenda...that would explain the anal leakage."

   wondering why people say "Bring it!" in a fight. Bring what?

   of course I would never call you a c*nt.....you lack the depth and warmth.

   Women. Can't live with them, can't finish this joke without having to sleep on the couch.

   passing gas on an airplane is like Russian Roulette. You never know when the "deadly one" will hit. Not that I've done it before... I'm just saying...

   i believe global warning as much as I do the weather man....

   If women did not exist, all of the money in the world would have no meaning.

   Do you ever wish you can transport people that annoy you on an island where they are forced to fight to the end & it's all filmed live for your enjoyment? New reality show pitch...what do you think?

   There will be no tomorrow. When it gets here, it will be today. I've played this waiting game before.