Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We may lag behind the Chinese in math and science, but we are absolutely kicking their butts in the tattooed homewreckers category.

   going to attempt to quad boot.... (Windows 7,OSX snow lepord, Ubuntu 10.04 and Chrome OS!) ...my poor laptop... I will format you back to just windows soon...

   If George Washington never told a lie...then how did he get elected?

   's girlfriend was out playing golf and got hit between the 1st and 2nd holes. Doesn't leave much room for a Band-Aid

   It's been announced that Nigeria has 22,980,000 internet users. I've received emails from every single one.

   yes I do have a sence of humour and I have a certificate to prove it.... my marriage certificate!!!

   No I don't need new shoes, I just want them!

   Dear God, I've been very good today, no grumpy thoughts, no swearing and I haven't been mean at all, but I'm about to get up now and I may need your help :))))))

   out of bed ... waking up is another story ...

   asks for patience to deal with stupid people and courage to tolerate their ignorance because Lord only knows if I ask for strength I will beat them to death!

   A lot of people have made decisions about what I should do with my life; unfortunately, it hasn't worked out too well for them.

   You know you are getting old when you have to scroll down, and scroll down some more, to select the year you were born when completing on-line forms.

   just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!!

   Honestly, when I crawled out of bed this morning I had no intention of being brilliant, but sometimes things just work out!

   Gee! that lady from Operation Repo gets bigger with each repo :O

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOU...

   getting a 1 bedroom apartment and a cat in May. Or, as I like to call it, the "Serial Killer Starter Kit."

   why do people think it's necessary to pose with alcohol in facebook pictures??? It was original the first dozen times.

   KFC's new Double-Down sandwich was just introduced for $4.99...For an extra .99 cents a KFC employee will cut out the middleman altogether and lean over the counter and stab you in the friggin' heart!!