Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My New Year's Resolution is to be less funny on Facebook, and more cryptic and dramatic instead. By the way, today was the WORST Day EVER!

   We should agree on removing Boehner from government. He is an idiot, and his lacky supporters in the background need to push him off a cliff.....waisting American time only to finally pass the tax Bill!

   Q: What is the difference between a Hell'$ Angel and Jehovah's Witness? A: The Hell'% Angel comes to your door and tells YOU to "F*&%k Off!!"

   i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   Who says I want a better view of her heart you moron, when I unbutton her shirt, the only view I am interested in is of her magnificent twins.

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   i rang triple 0 the other day,,The bloke said"what,s the emergency"?I said "there,s two naked women in my loungeroom fighting over me"! He said"Whats wrong with that"? I said ,"THE FAT ONES WINNING!!!!!"

   Was thinking of buy my boyfriend a bunkbed so I could be on top more often

   How do some people manage to get their plastic smiles & fake laughters glued to their faces for so long? #Apologies to plastics & glues

   HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing. HIM: Sure? HER: Yes. HIM: Ok. Well, I'll go now. HER: Whatever! HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing - statusBroughtToYouByPMS

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me.

   Dear atheist, if God doesn't exist, then explain why Kim Kardashian is famous?

   As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already.

   ''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''

   To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.

   I once stopped a woman's hiccups by pinching her nipple, I had no idea if it would work but guys will think of anything to touch a boob.

   Technically they're not prostitutes if you refuse to pay them.

   I will dance with the devil, but I will always take the lead.

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery