Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   : Taylor Swift has applied for a patent for her invention of a new musical key.

   A pat on the back is just a few centimeters away from a kick in the ass.

   one has facebook complex when he/she needs to have as many "friends" as possible regardless of who they are or if they even really know the person.

   tired of my abacus's running away from me, I need one I can count on!

   Use this for•The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

   •Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

   •Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

   •When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   •You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

   •Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

   Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

   the definition of Door: What my dog is perpetually on the wrong side of!

   better to have a "bottle in front of me" than a "frontal lobotomy"

   I wonder if Asians throw rice at a Chinese wedding?

   doing research to come up with a vaccine for stupidity. Please donate accordingly.

   Why did someone make a 'Piñata Endangerment Awareness' group on facebook??

   Girls are like slugs - they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

   I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!

   It's whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!

   saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"