Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nurses can be very delicate individuals. They're caregivers. Sensitive. Empathetic. And sometimes they stick a thermometer in your butt!

   Vikings Prayer; Our Favre-ther who art in Mississippi hallowed be thy name. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, In Miami as it is in the Dome. Give us this Sunday, Our weekly win. Give us touchdown passes, but do not let others pass against us. Lead us no

   was like whoa this must be a dream........POKE ME!!!!!!

   Warning: May contain traces of nuts,may cause drowsiness, some assembly required, but not tested on animals.

   disappointed in his new phone. It promised more bars in more places but all I see are the same old bars and the same old drunks.

   ..crossword puzzles always remind her of her arguments with her exes. One word leads to another...

   My brother is in the Army. He invented the Standard Issue Kevlar Condom......It protects soldiers in the bush.

   Love is a game in which one always cheats.

   just because he knows he's smarter than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   quotes, "Life's most urgent question is: what are you doing for others?" ~ Rev. Martin Luther King Jr.

   "Eating habits? You wanna know my eating habits? Well everytime I have to take a sh!t it's an emergency, hows that?"

   O.B.A.M.A. (One Big Asz Mistake, America),

   I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, 9/11 and Swine Flu. 2012, Here I Come!

   Be worried , God knows what you have been doing!

   When times are Tough, you know who your Real Friends are. When times are Easy...you know who your Drinking Friends are!

   asks if FedEx and UPS were to merge, would the new company be called FedUp?

   just because he knows he's better looking than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   sometimes I wake up Grumpy but I generally just let her sleep!

   I googled my name, and the first thing that came up was the wikipedia definition for smatass. Google knows me sooo well.

   Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far far far away from here...