Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And what if we all proceeded to a total destructuring of a paradoxical, macropterous relentlessly terrigenous abiotrophy using the timeless quadriform viewpoint of continuous kleptomania antisepsis?

   Did you hear that there's a "no fly" zone over San Diego on Sunday...... a huge lightning storm is coming....... grounding all "Jets"......GO BOLTS!!!

   It must be so easy to be an NFL quarterback. Especially if you have a helmet with a star on it. All you have to do is dance around a little, fall down as soon as someone gets near you, then collect your millions.

   Fire them...all of them! It's time to make a change Jerry...

   Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?? I put in a bid for a "Mickey Mouse outfit" and now it seems I am only 15 minutes away from owning the "Dallas Cowboys Football Team"..

   For Sale: Lots of snow, you Haul!!!

   to honor MLK's memory, how about a day OF work for everybody this year?

   There is nothing sadder in this life than to watch someone you love walk away after they have left you. To watch the distance between your two bodies expand until there is nothing left but empty space and silence

   Believe nothing of what you hear, and only half of what you see.

   I only drink to make other people seem interesting.

   Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gargle.

   I knew I was drunk. I felt sophisticated and couldn't pronounce it.

   Peace of mind makes the body healthy, but jealousy is like a cancer.

   Long live the Spork!

   To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

   There is no distinctly American criminal class - except Congress.

   It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt

   Life gave me LeMoNs. . . So I mixed it upp to be sweet and got MeLoNs!

   heres a bombshell just for you...turns out i've been lying too

   My Love is Like Hell! My Family is like Heaven, My Friends are the Best, & I'm Completely Drunk!