Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're only young once, but you can be immature the rest of your life

   Every piece of paper has two good sides... Unless you use magic marker then you're out of luck

   not illiterate. His parents were married when he was born.

   SFOL #5: Beer goggles don't exist…you knew what she looked like, but also figured you could get away with it because of all the shots of tequila you'd had.

   My neighbor's kids are named Maximus and Commodus. Either the couple is Greek, or they smoke ALOT of Crack.

   Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.

   It's been reported that an 8 year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government's Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it's been a pretty bad week for little Skippy bin Laden.

   burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

   'This dog, is dog, a dog, good dog, way dog, to dog, keep dog, an dog, idiot dog, busy dog, for dog, 30 dog, seconds dog! ... Now read it without the word dog!'

   Call the Nestle Crunch Hotline at 1-800-295-0051. When you are asked if you want to continue in English or Spanish, just wait quietly for about 10 seconds and enjoy. :) Keep going and press option 4. Listen to the options...then press 7.

   gonna get some gold in my mouth, turn my hat sideways

   Can't wait to celebrate James Earl Ray Day this Monday....

   wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

   my shadow jus stopped followin me on twitter...he'll be bak, bright days are ahead

   wondering that if a pig loses its voice, does that mean that he is disgruntled?

   knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad...

   has decided that TVs are only made for two things, football and porn. Both are actually very different, one is were sweaty men pile on top of each other and the other one is just football.

   decided to eat healthy tonight. I heard walnuts are healthy so I think I'll add them to my brownies.

   wondering why the head keeps falling off his John the Baptist bobble head?

   would like to congratulate the makers of her new facial cleanser for truth in advertising. They promised younger looking skin & they were right...I haven't had acne like this since high school.