Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   HOLIDAY SHOPPING TIP #1: When the lines at the supermarket are out the door. Say loudly "Ill take the next customer on register #_ _"Then make your way to the nearest "Real" open register.

   I love a Thanksgiving turkey... it's the only time in Los Angeles that you see natural breasts.

   Norton Shores, Michigan - a teenage girl had her neck bit by the young man sitting in front of her during a screening of the new Twilight movie. So caught up, he committed to being a vampire. Don't even ask what happened when he saw Brokeback Mountain

   I love the Macys Thanksgiving day parade. Where you can watch your favorite stars lipsync to their hit songs!

   An Indian man dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates,he meets an angel. Angel asks "Who are you here to see?". "Jesus!" the man replies. The angel then shouts "Jesus! Your taxi's here!".

   can't wait for this 365 day weekend to begin.

   thank god I'm ambidextrious and thank you redtube

   If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

   Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

   Gotta love sharing a bathroom with elderly family after Thanksgiving Dinner...I feel like Andy Dufrain crawling thru those 200 hundred yards of pipe for freedom....

   I'm not usually a fan of cliche's, but every now and then it's ok to ask yourself what you're truly thankful for...

   women are like pianos,there grand when there not upright!

   All I said was .. "Just spread the legs open alittle wider and I'll stuff it in".....Geez thats the last time I try to help stuff a turkey !

   not sure what the words "PORN" and "POT" have to do with Thanksgiving ... but I know my Mom said both of them at the Dinner table tonight.

   Shut up homework. I'm trying to do my facebook

   Thanksgiving! The time of the year where the bathrooms are the busiest

   It is beyond me why people would be camping outside in the cold weather waiting 7, 8 hours to go spend them money...SMH

   In hindsight...maybe telling the whole family while we were pulling names for christmas grab bag that I was going to be getting into directing porn was not really the ideal time to do so....I did however draw Grandma Gertrude though!!!!

   anger is only one letter short of danger

   blowing out another's candle will not make yours shine brighter.