Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Forget a dislike button, I'd rather have a 'This makes me want to punch you in the back of the head' button. Especially between now and tomorrow when 96% of you will have the exact same status. New Moon is out or reminding me it's Friday.

   performing random acts of kindness today to totally mess with people

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."

   caught the chills while peeing.......thank goodness my wife bought these decorative bath towels

   i would like hippes to realize that it is NOT "all good."

   just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts

   next time someone with bad breath steps to you repeat the following.. " I dont mean to be mean but you need some listerine, not a sip not a swallow but the whole Damn bottle"..

   I went to Jared..............and then punched him in the belly for those stupid commercials

   ..will keep a close eye on Santas stat updates. The minute he writes "just passed over crack house with ugly skank looking out window" i'll wave.

   Thankful for Mr. Austin Nichols...... you taught me that some people have faith, some have a strong will, but I have your Wild Turkey to get me through.

   The only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath!

   If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.

   Saw It... Wanted It... Had A Fit... Got It!

   CONSCIOUSNESS: That annoying time between naps.

   The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

   The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content

   notices that its been so windy of late that even the water in his toilet was choppy!

   yesterday I said I was gonna FML...i did....but I forgot protection...now i'm screwed

   will listen, if you'll talk about me...

   Warning for all you weekend basketball league playing guys: Be leary of the guy who smacks you on the butt and says "Nice shot, man!" when you didn't even take a shot...