Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In my time, real men did not smoke cigarettes with batteries.

   It takes one slow walking person in the grocery store, to remove the illusion that I'm a nice person.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   When will the Death Star be completed by our Space Force program?

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten; be patient and wait your turn.

   I am a brilliant man, I just sometimes can't remember where I parked my car.

   I'm not saying I drive fast, but on my last trip the lady in my GPS told me pull over and she would walk.

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   I miss the good old days when I used to think T-mobile was a rapper.

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   What's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute?

   ‘We both know you need to pee:’ ~the monster under my bed

   my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

   My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

   "This ain't my first rodeo." -Me, at my second rodeo

   To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.

   Me (sobbing): It’s just so unfair. Husband: Do we have to go through this every year? Move the sundresses to the back of the closet and stop being so dramatic.