Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   50% of my drive time is me fighting the urge to smile and wave at red light cameras.

   Love kickboxing and think there should be kick versions of more sports, like kickbowling and kickbadminton.

   Well, set the “Consecutive days gone without spilling food on myself” calendar back to zero. It was good three hour run.

   Wait, were those actually political conventions or a seemingly endless loop of American Horror Story??

   I think I'll go to the playground so I can enjoy a relaxing afternoon of screaming at my kids for screaming

   Remember,,, When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another.... Because kids.

   The most important part of signing your kid up for an activity is getting a sticker for your car so everyone knows.

   The French gymnast who broke his leg during the Olympics is in good hands, Rio's hospitals have the best leeches and voodoo spells.

   Show me on the doll where Mommy got botox.

   If you begin your argument with "My whole thing is," I will hand you a pudding pop and never speak to you again.

   Watched a few hours of British TV and now I can't stop calling my shoes trainers.

   I'm surprised the man in the yellow hat still allows that monkey to ever leave the house.

   Today's Assignment: Under a Facebook picture posted by someone you know with a new husband/wife ask, "What happened to [name of ex-husband/ex-wife]?"

   Never done CrossFit but I have chased my shopping list through a windy parking lot before.

   A lady down the street is hand-feeding a Yorkie in a baby stroller, if you want to meet the specific dog who has a better life than you do.

   It's only once you're a little older and wiser that you realize the "one that got away" was a jean jacket you left at a guy's house in 2003.

   Always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.

   In my dating service, I match two total strangers for a trip to Home Depot. If they end up yelling at each other, they should be married.

   This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

   A bumper sticker read: "My Pembroke Welsh Corgi is smarter than your Honors Student." Please, someone, make that academic face-off happen.