Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waiting for the election results is like waiting for a grade on a group project. I know I did my shi$ right but I'm worried ya'll F'd it up..

   When they go low, we get high. . .

   "Please stop being mean" - Me 3 seconds in to a rap battle

   My entertainment today consists of browsing the commitment reports to see how many domestic battery arrests were made during Thanksgiving dinner...

   Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.

   I try to live an #adventurous life but its hard to do it with $17 disposable #income a week.

   This Christmas you can either join the Mile High club or the less prestigious Rock Bottom club, having sex on a Greyhound bus. If that's not rock bottom, I don't know what is.

   Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler....So straighten up and fly right

   I lost money and friends this year but I just want my money back

   When I suggest we eat pizza and someone says something stupid like "No, I had pizza yesterday," I just nod like I understand, but inside my head I have murdered the person a thousand times.

   I'd be willing to sleep my way to the top if it actually meant sleeping.

   Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years? Me: I'd say my biggest weakness is listening.

   I went to Whole Foods and then bought two printer cartridges and paid my Comcast bill. I’m broke until 2023.

   Auditioning for the television show Storage Wars. ME: Paper cup? $50. Plastic spork? $35. Used tissue? $75. I think I got this audition in the bag!

   I made a grocery list last night when I was drunk and it just says "healthy stuff," "looob," and "you don't own me."

   Failed Summer Camp Slogans: Funeral Camp, You'll Dig It Here.

   Most historians agree that Marie Antoinette's first menstrual cycle was one of the greatest periods in history.

   A more fitting name for Target would be "How The Heck Did I Spend $233.44?!?!"

   I don’t mind running into debt. It’s running into my creditors that’s embarrassing.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.