Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenting fact: The kid who says “wasn’t me” before you even ask the question is definitely the guilty one

   *reading the nutrition facts of a cookie* me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein

   Amazing how much technology has advanced with new ways for people to communicate with each other 50 years ago they used to call talking.

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.

   My morning exercise routine includes snooze presses. I like to get in at least 5 reps.

   Today is January the 96th

   Could everyone stop typing for a moment while I try to remember if I took my pills. Thank you.

   If your lawyer’s office is in an old Pizza Hut, you’re going to jail.

   Yesterday I went to an antique shop and asked "What's new?". I don't know why that guy gave me a murderous look

   Just had a flashback to a spelling mistake I made earlier.... I may have Post grammatic stress disorder.

   Who needs an alarm clock? Giving mine away because my bladder is set permanently for 5:30AM.

   Don’t let this distract you from the fact The Avengers blew a 5-1 stone lead in the Infinity Wars.

   I don't always know what my wife is saying....... She can talk 50% faster than I can listen

   Whenever I am feeling good about myself I call my wife to take it down a notch

   Jeremiah was a bullfrog. True story.

   At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.

   C'mon man, nobody's doing it! - Hipster Peer Pressure

   Pets are brilliant at geometry. They effortlessly calculate the angles to most effectively impede your progress in hallways.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.