Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

   me: WTF all the shelves are empty sales guy: yeah this is Ikea

   Day 7 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks

   No matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature

   After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this

   Home sounds like a nice place, until they say they’re going to put you in one.

   Think I'm starting to lose a little weight while one a new diet plan thats really working for me that's called the "Eat less so I don't have to go to the supermarket as often" diet plan.

   Me to my kids: you have to eat right and get good sleep if you want to stay healthy. Also me: *shouting at 5am* WHO THE HELL ATE MY BREAKFAST PRINGLES??

   NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.

   My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring. After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”

   Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.

   The worst five words are "can I have a bite."

   Twitter - A great place to post all your thoughts and hope someone, anyone, reads them.

   Dating is like going to garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need. 21 minutes

   I'm saving myself for a girl without pepper spray.

   I had it all, money, a beautiful house, a big car, the love of a beautiful woman, then pow, it was all gone, when my wife found out.

   And as tradition would have it, I now sincerely regret making plans for NYE

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.

   Interviewer: This says you tend to jump to conclusions Me: So I'm hired?