Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   airline: will you be checking your bags, sir me: again? I did that three times at home

   I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.

   We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

   Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.

   "A mind is a terrible thing to waste." A zombie trying to convince his son to finish his dinner.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   I just tried to unfriend someone I am not even friends with.

   The first 5 items on my bucket list are just different places I'd like to nap.