Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "My eyes are down there!" - Large-breasted blind woman pointing to her service dog.

   I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like. But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

   If you think about it, James Earl Jones and Morgan Freeman tickling each other would pretty much be the greatest thing ever.

   Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You're practically begging for typos.

   Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn't really think your choice was excellent.

   Life is like Snapchat. You can call many people your friends, but it doesn't mean, they call you their friends.

   airline: will you be checking your bags, sir me: again? I did that three times at home

   I told Siri to use Bing instead of Google.. We both laughed.

   We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain

   i signed up for the cheapest life insurance I could find, it entitles my family to a tray of Wendys hamburgers when I die

   it too soon to give up on my New Year's Resolution?

   Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.

   I'm surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I've dropped and shattered my phone.

   In 2003 an Olive Garden waitress told me to tell her when to stop grating cheese on my salad. As far as I know she's still doing it.

   Why are women and children always the last survivors in horror films?

   My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I'm excited to see how I'm doing in algebra.

   Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can't help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

   Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I've learned that I don't need to use so many paper towels, and they're expensive.

   Surprise her for breakfast by wearing nothing but a giant pancake. Not all heroes wear crepes.

   Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.