Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hold my jean jacket. Someone just insulted Savage Garden.

   I am very patient with people because I don’t interact with any.

   My son found a cassette tape in the basement. It's like watching 2001 Space Odyssey in real life.

   What you read here may or may not be about you; but if you see yourself in it, then don't rage at the mirror

   I hate when I say something stupid in a conversation and then it gets stuck in my head for the next 20 years

   Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu

   Her: I don't get mad. I get even Me: sounds like you're still mad

   Planning a wedding with your fiancee is good practice for divorce

   Arguing with your wife is like buying a lottery ticket. You probably won't win but you still give it a try.

   casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex

   Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

   Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.

   Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.

   Ever notice that adding "after hours" or "after dark" to anything makes it sexy? Walmart after hours Walmart after dark Almost anything...

   new drinking game...every time a member of congress coughs, take a drink

   Not only is it dangerous you'll look like a complete idiot if you text and drive, as that's how typos happen.

   Maybe Millennials aren't having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

   Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don't let your dog sit in the driver's seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.

   My kids are so aware that I'm a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.

   [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on