Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I may be delusional, but I am facing it realistically

   Insanity is not doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. That's called practice.

   How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?

   If you find a snake skin somewhere, it means the snake shed it to grow bigger. Same principle if you find candy wrappers in my trash

   Do dogs in Mexico speak Espaniel?

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Our dog just winked at me, and now I am trying to figure out what secret we are keeping from the rest of the family.

   A hacker has deleted Despacito from YouTube. The world is a slightly better place.

   I did 5 squats today so if you catch me looking a little thick tomorrow don't be alarmed

   When my son got his driver's license. He ask if I would get him something cheap to run around in. So I got him a pair of Keds sneakers.

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online

   FUN FACT: if you took the skin of an average person and laid it out flat,you would have enough for a serious criminal conviction :)

   The reason why tomato soup and grilled cheese is such a good combo is because it’s basically the same ingredients as pizza.

   Don't you hate it when You look horrible in a group photo and the person that looks good refuses to delete it

   Based on this Target restroom, either not everyone is shaving off their pubes or they're shaving them off in here!