Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

   has anyone tried unplugging 2020,wait 30 seconds then plugging it back in?

   *Love in the time of coronavirus* Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

   Someone told me they never understood the concept of cloning, I replied "That makes two of us"

   When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.

   I’d grill your cheese. ~me, flirting

   I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.

   There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .

   Big moment here: I just finished building that gingerbread house for the holidays.

   World population :7,618,921,693. ­.... Just in case someone starts feeling too important

   My wife and I got one of those board games for couples to spice things up. It quickly turned into a game of Sorry, which led to me playing a game of Uno

   Burned almost a thousand calories with the treadmill today. Moved it into the basement, that sucker is heavy!

   One day you'll just be a memory. So make it a good one.

   Scientist have now cloned monkeys. Next on the Primate ladder before they reach humans- Politicians.

   I hate brushing teeth at night because that signifies that you can't have anymore food and I'm just never ready for that kind of commitment

   They call it a "selfie" because a "narcissitie" is too hard to pronounce

   Her: Just relax and be yourself. Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.