Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you weren't sure whether or not to book a hotel in a Native American community, would that be a reservation reservation reservation?

   "Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"

   My dad wasn't circumcised so I like to say I came from the hood.

   Drunk Me: "You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day: UPS GUY: "Sir just sign for the package"

   I'm the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body but if you betray me, just remember: I know how to hide a dead body.

   Sometimes, I just want to give it all up for 4 fried chickens and a Coke.

   I'll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.

   How many days in a row do you have to wear the same clothes until you’re legally a cartoon?

   Every time I use a plunger, it feels like I am giving my toilet CPR

   To everyone reading this congratulations for surviving the end of the world.

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

   I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, "In case I feel like sharing."

   Christmas as a child: "Socks and Money? This is ridiculous!" Christmas as an adult: "SOCKS AND MONEY? HOW DID YOU KNOW? THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED. I LOVE YOU"

   50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.