Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Just want to say a quick prayer to United's Public Relations teams. RIP.

   The mailman just delivered an 8-track of Boz Skaggs Greatest Hits. I guess this fulfills my Columbia House obligation.

   Those who speak charismatically does not mean they speak the truth.

   If relationship breakups never existed, the music industry would go Bankrupt !

   My wife accused me of being immature, I told her to get out of my fort

   The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider doing it.

   Looking into the mirror...I realize, I'm in no shape to fend off an alien invasion

   y doctor has given me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

   Not to brag, but, I've already consumed 174% of my daily fat requirement.

   I pledged allegiance “to the Republic for Witches Stand” until the forth grade.