Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   The first step to causing drama is making sure you tell everyone you hate drama.

   When I was young I took drugs to blow my mind. Now I take drugs not to lose it.

   Musical Electric Chairs. For death row inmates. Lets make it fun and televise it. . .

   Big moment here: I just finished building that gingerbread house for the holidays.

   World population :7,618,921,693. ­.... Just in case someone starts feeling too important