Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   I'm the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg, All I want for Christmas this year is fonts.

   You know you are getting old when you throw out your back but you don't know how it happened.

   Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear... You're better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!

   When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I've entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

   By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?